~written March 27th, 2021~

The jungle purifies.

Here, we have no distractions. No internet, no television, no other people, nowhere to go. Its just us, 17 sinners on this journey together armed with our Bibles and willing hearts. Right now, a couple of us are sick with tormenting bug bites, ear infections, stomach pains. Most of our ministry here is manual labor, we are exhausted.

I am in a season of seeing myself differently than I have before. As God calls me into new things and takes away others, I am confronted with emotions and struggles I thought were things of the past. I am confronted with seeing a different part of myself, a part I do not like. Its easy to have an every-person-for-themselves mentality, I don’t want to be generous, I don’t want to be kind, I don't want to offer my time because I want it for myself. As I become progressively more greedy with my time and my heart, I feel further and further away from my Savior, Jesus.

Our devotional time this morning was over Psalm 15. David begins by asking a question; who will dwell with the Lord and who will walk with Him in their life? The person who is righteous and speaks truth, the person who does not blame other people or speak hurtful things. The person who honors other people who are pursuing the Lord, who gives generously, forgives and trusts.

Well, no wonder I am having such a hard time right now. It's supposed to hurt when I try and live in my own strength. Its supposed to hurt when I disobey the Lord and choose greed.

But His way sounds hard too.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him and he will make straight your paths"

Proverbs 3:4-5

This is such a common verse for me to hear, but wow. What a call, to trust God with all my heart. It's harder than it sounds, especially in this season and in this place.

I do believe that the jungle is a place of purification, where God wants to strip away idols I don't want to admit are there. The process of refinement feels sad and hard, I feel like I don't recognize myself inside or out. 

Isn't He so, so good for taking me through this time anyway?

I have so much hope for what He is teaching me that I don't understand yet. And I know that hope does not put us to shame.